Christmas Letter to My Friend, Ash
My Dearest Ash:
The move to the cupboard- as I am all certain you have heard of, thanks to a Ms. P and her gossipy geese; those “fowl” mouthed birds are gonna end up on my Christmas Dinner Table if they keep honking about what they ought not honk about, uhhhh, but I digress, I think- so, the cupboard, where I live now with Roberta Sr. and our (now, sadly) two children. Little Roberta Jr. passed away, unfortunately, and we are still reeling (I mean, look at these medical bills for crying out loud!). Roberta Sr. (I am loath to call her “the Senior” anymore, for you see, it merely brings up painful memories of “the Junior,” but I digress!) still feels it deeply in her breast and it is all I can do to save the pillows from her acrid and caustic tears. But alas, not all is woe:
In this time of economic hardship for so many, Roberta Sr. still has her job at the Dangerous Chemical Plant. I am still, unfortunately, unemployed. I tried very hard to get a job as a professional blogger, but as it turns out, nobody wants to hear those things said about Peyton Manning. Currently I am waiting for a call back from the local green grocer. I have a good feeling about this, because I sent in innumerable (actually 17) applications. My theory is a simple one: the green grocer, like most people, is a lazy man and will simply blindly stick his hairy fingers into the stack of applicants and pull one out. By submitting so many, I have no doubt increased my likelihood of getting the job past the threshold of “so certain, I already spent the first paycheck.” Sadly, I spent that money of little Roberta Jr.’s medical bills.
But what of the other two? Well, Henrietta is still 14 unfortunately. We were hoping this year the birthday would take, but it did not. And Gustavo Gordito is still much too fat, but that is all well, because he’s living up to his name (or more like living out to his name, when you consider his impressive girth (that’s what she said)).
At this point, if you are like me- and I hope you are, for your sake- you are asking, “what about dogs?” Yes, we still have two. Rugby still likes getting into the fridge somehow and eating all of our food and Roberta Jr.’s medicine. Oh, that’s Roberta Jr. the dog, which, speaking of, Roberta Jr. (the dog) is actually doing quite well. The doctors sure did a good fix-up on her. Should have sent Roberta Jr. (the human) to the vet instead. My wife resents Roberta Jr. (the dog), but it isn’t her fault she goes by the name we gave her and now are legally obliged to call her, since it’s on her tags.
I’ve never been a cat person, Ash, but this year I bit the bullet and bought a cat. Much to my chagrin, little Dagny likes biting holes into my sock, where my big toe goes and then somehow he uses his cat saliva to seal the hole so only during the day, after a long time on my feet pacing, does the hole reveal itself and then cause me slight discomfort. I know these are not naturally forming holes because I have videotaped him doing it. I want to get rid of the cat, Ash and lord knows, I have pleaded my case. But I am thoroughly out-voted 3-1 on every occasion and the dogs, unfortunately, always abstain.
I hope your Christmas was well and I hope your New Year is as good as the previous year.
Your pal,
Carlos Segundo
5 months ago