January 2011
109 posts
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Diary Entry for January 30, as spoken by three...
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Rock and a Hard Place
My friend asked why I was so down. So, I chose to confide in him that I had been sleeping with my best friend’s wife. My friend, being married, took this as a roundabout way to admitting that I was fucking his wife and he ran away in tears. Poor guy is so distraught, I don’t know if I have the heart to tell him he isn’t my best friend.
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I Hope You Like Jokes About Astronomy
CSII: hey..
wanna..
hear an astronomy joke?
marls: yes
CSII: how does a star get beer money?
marls: how
CSII: it donates its plasma.
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Arnie Finds Christ
Ten years on the stand up circuit just didn’t work out for Arnie and spending those ten years drunk didn’t help out either. The only thing that did help out was the Church. It saved Arnie’s life and this was his turn to pay them back. So he slicked back his hair, stretched his smile, and knocked on the door. “Hello,” a short woman said. “He..llo”, Arnie...
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I Hope You Like Puns About Chemistry
CWS: punz it baba
do share
CSII: so
i was talking on the FB chat with this girl who had herself an OChem class
I tells
I got caught cheating in OChem once
and I asked the professor how he could tell I was cheating
he tells me
my test and my neighbor's are practically...
...
hhhhhhhhhhh
carbon copies
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“Put something good on it, so it’s worth it.”
– Carlos Segundo, to his sister, re: setting a mouse trap. Every last meal deserves to be delicious.
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How About a C+?
Instructor: “But…how can I give him a C? He can’t even spell!” Coach: “Oh yeah? Hey, Boom, spell ‘Touchdown’”
Boom:”T-D!”
Coach 2: “Sounds eligible to me.”
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Little Blue Jay
“My goodness, your handwriting is atrocious.”
Yeah, my teachers and family used to joke that I would be a doctor when I grew up.
“Heh, yeah, I-“
But little did they know, that I would develop such callous contempt for human life. “Oh, well, I’m su-“
I have the blackest heart I know. There was this kid I knew growing up- his name was Trenton, by the...
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In the Back, Here
The Vicar speaks to the crowd of villagers: “Of what use is deep dicking, if one is deep dicking a barren woman? Do we not deep dick for desire of children? Who among us sins and deep dicks for the sake of deep dicking alone?” And from the back, Slow Simon, who only ever understands part of what he is told speaks up: “Sir, I don’t mean to insult, but one does not deep dick...
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What Everyone Gets
This made my morning.
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Col. Osonegro's Funeral
“He was hung like a horse, and hanged like a horse thief,” the Priest said, arousing a depressed chuckle from the assembled mourners. He then continued, “He was a patriot-” and was interrupted by another man; “-for the wrong country,” shouted the Governor.
The mourners did not laugh at this and did their best to stifle their outrage. It had been only a week...
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Lemme Aks You
CSII: i want to start writing "aks" from now on
like...forever
on purpose
marls: haha
you should
retrain those typin' fingers
CSII: the only thing I love better than sticking it to grammarian assholes is killing fascists
you can aks anyone
marls: ha
yess
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Fantasia
The other day this guys asks me, “Hey, Carlos Segundo, why you got such a rich and vivid fantasy world?” I laughed and thought to myself, “wow, even my fantasies can’t believe how awesome they are.”
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countryandwestern:
Bruce Springsteen - Old Dan...
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That's a College Brain
CSII: who needs a degree
marls: not no one
well.. i maybe need one
CSII: they are nice to have around
the other day my table was wobbly at the coffee shop
just put that sucker underneath the leg
bammo
that's college thinking
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“Great minds think alike, but all minds think of dicks. Dicks and more dicks.”
– Abraham Lincoln, President and probable homosexual
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I Should Know
Noel: heh
indeed
it's a fine line
or maybe a huge gray one
YOU NEVER KNOW
CSII: there's a lot of gray areas in the world, maaaaaaaaaan
Noel: sure are
CSII: like, your grandma's crotch
and I should know.
Noel: yikes
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"As you wish, Sir"
The captain screamed at us, “we must right the ship- right the ship!” His quick resignation and bizarre wording aside, I too stock of our indeed hopeless situation and I yelled back at him, “the standard S.O.S, sir?”
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The Dictionary
So I say, “what’s a word, man’” And she asked, “you want me to say a word?” I said, “No, like..what is a word, man.” Then she looked at me like I was crazy, so I told her, “you think I’m crazy? You should try finding ‘dictionary’ in the dictionary. It’s not there, man!” Then she got a dictionary and showed me. I...
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“I got a ‘d’ I’d like to insert somewhere….unghhhhhh”
– Carlos Segundo, to himself re: epenthesis and his fake girlfriend teacher.
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My Mummy
1 “I thought you had an Oedipus complex.”
2 Oh..no, no, no..I said I slept with my mummy. The one I stole from the British Museum.
1 “Oh..so..”
2 Yes, I’m a necrophiliac.
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My Mummy
1 “I thought you had an Oedipus complex.”
2 Oh..no, no, no..I said I slept with my mummy. The one I stole from the British Museum.
1 “Oh..so..”
2 Yes, I’m a necrophiliac.
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“I wish I would just give up on being a productive person already.”
– Carlos Segundo, re: a sign he saw on a bar for 3 dollar pitchers of PBR on Tuesdays, for an early Happy Hour.
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Anti-Vac
CSII: I heard they were on the verge of discovering a vaccine for autism
but it caused Measles, Mumps, and Rubella
CWS: lol damned if u do
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I Am Beaming
Me: I’ve come a long way since the days of x=”dog dongs”
RE: My new German-English dictionary I made myself!
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“Who are you? Who the fuck are you? Don’t you fucking talk to me. I will...”
– Jesus in The Bible. Somewhere in the back.
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“Who are you? Who the fuck are you? Don’t you fucking talk to me. I will...”
– Jesus in The Bible. Somewhere in the back.
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To: Mary, a Horse- A Play in Three Short Parts
To: Mary, a Horse by: Carlos Segundo
Scene 1: The Constable hears of Mary’s betrothal to a horse she received from an eccentric uncle and he scolds and warns her away from it.
Mary: If it be a crime to marry a horse… Constable: Oh, it be a crime, of course of course! Mary: Then I shall scream until I am hoarse! Constable: and I shall still find you vile and coarse!
Scene 2: The...
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To: Mary, a Horse- A Play in Three Short Parts
To: Mary, a Horse by: Carlos Segundo
Scene 1: The Constable hears of Mary’s betrothal to a horse she received from an eccentric uncle and he scolds and warns her away from it.
Mary: If it be a crime to marry a horse… Constable: Oh, it be a crime, of course of course! Mary: Then I shall scream until I am hoarse! Constable: and I shall still find you vile and coarse!
Scene 2: The...
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Terminology
My proposal to the American scientists to include a new term from now on, to express a physical reality/inevitability that we don’t care to elaborate on: “had it coming.”
Ex. “the steel ball fell at 9.8 m/s^2 because it had it coming,” or “the slight dipole was created in the water molecule because it had it coming.”
You can still certainly say...
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Terminology
My proposal to the American scientists to include a new term from now on, to express a physical reality/inevitability that we don’t care to elaborate on: “had it coming.”
Ex. “the steel ball fell at 9.8 m/s^2 because it had it coming,” or “the slight dipole was created in the water molecule because it had it coming.”
You can still certainly say...
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Cookie Ries
Cookie Ries was a gunslinger who ate a cookie for every man he was fixing to kill that day. One time he ate some cookie dough and they asked him why he did that, because it wasn’t no cookie yet. Then he up and shot a pregnant lady right through the belly. Cookie Ries was one mean man and nobody asked Cookie Ries anything no more after that.
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Cookie Ries
Cookie Ries was a gunslinger who ate a cookie for every man he was fixing to kill that day. One time he ate some cookie dough and they asked him why he did that, because it wasn’t no cookie yet. Then he up and shot a pregnant lady right through the belly. Cookie Ries was one mean man and nobody asked Cookie Ries anything no more after that.
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“ I find that crushes, oddly enough, keep me from being crushed under the weight...”
– Carlos Segundo, re: his teacher, that barista at the cafe he goes to, that barista at the cafe he’s been meaning to go to, and that girl who rang him up at some Asian restaurant Tuesday and Thursday.
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“ I find that crushes, oddly enough, keep me from being crushed under the weight...”
– Carlos Segundo, re: his teacher, that barista at the cafe he goes to, that barista at the cafe he’s been meaning to go to, and that girl who rang him up at some Asian restaurant Tuesday and Thursday.
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Google It
CSII: you should go to SCCC
and take some classes
build up the GPA n shit
transfer somewhere cool
like Dicklips University
marls: that's the plan
dick-sucking school is the investment in the future that fits MY lifestyle
(that 's the tagline for the ad i'm featured in)
CSII: what?
Dicklips is one of the leading research institutes in Canada
marls: Don't do this to me.. don't make me ask if you're serious
CSII: you can google it
marls: fuck you; i googled it, you asshole
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My Crush 2
marls: you’ll smarten her up a bit, eh? CSII: if she don’t smarten up with the clothes, she’ll be smartin’ from my blows
Re: My Crush, who yet again, wore an awful top. I just cannot fathom her standing at some rack in JC Penny and pulling it out and saying, “Oh, my, this.”
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So Is Your Sister
CSII: and the term "dawg" as in "my homedawg" is not a variant of "dog," but comes from Swahili /duga/ meaning something akin to "friend," but not exactly that.
and you know what is even more amazing?
marls: really?
CSII: what is even more amazing, marls
is that I made up that last part off the top of my head just now
next time though, I won't pick Swahili, but will use Wolof
it makes more sense
marls: heh
hate you
CSII : african slaves were taken from the western part more often than from southern africa
marls: I'm inclined to believe you, you know
CSII: I am good at fake academic facts
or as I call them
facts
marls: it's a talent of yours
one of many
CSII: so you've heard ;)
I am good at closing one eye
and still having depth perception.
it's part of this rare condition I have in my lens and cornea of my left eye
dicornealfractation
it is essentially as though I have three eyes.
marls: You are so odd
CSII: so is your sister.
maybe we'd get along.
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So Is Your Sister
CSII: and the term "dawg" as in "my homedawg" is not a variant of "dog," but comes from Swahili /duga/ meaning something akin to "friend," but not exactly that.
and you know what is even more amazing?
marls: really?
CSII: what is even more amazing, marls
is that I made up that last part off the top of my head just now
next time though, I won't pick Swahili, but will use Wolof
it makes more sense
marls: heh
hate you
CSII : african slaves were taken from the western part more often than from southern africa
marls: I'm inclined to believe you, you know
CSII: I am good at fake academic facts
or as I call them
facts
marls: it's a talent of yours
one of many
CSII: so you've heard ;)
I am good at closing one eye
and still having depth perception.
it's part of this rare condition I have in my lens and cornea of my left eye
dicornealfractation
it is essentially as though I have three eyes.
marls: You are so odd
CSII: so is your sister.
maybe we'd get along.