January 2011
109 posts
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December 2010
78 posts
16 tags
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My Haircut
This guy, he is “next” to me at the hair cut place and he starts explaining how he doesn’t drive drunk or show up drunk at the job. I can only imagine it is because he probably spent the previous ten minutes making himself sound like a drunkard and only then realized he was doing so. But, I wanted to tell to my hair cutting lady that I show up drunk on the job. “But it is...
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I Could Settle Down
Some songs are defined by their genre, some songs define their genre. But, what I am getting at is not being an insufferable twat, but what I mean is: I can explain to you what a country song is and when I get done telling you about the instruments used, the themes, the common affectations and whatever and you still look at befuddled. So I just say, “fuck it, listen to this.”...
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I Could Settle Down
Some songs are defined by their genre, some songs define their genre. But, what I am getting at is not being an insufferable twat, but what I mean is: I can explain to you what a country song is and when I get done telling you about the instruments used, the themes, the common affectations and whatever and you still look at befuddled. So I just say, “fuck it, listen to this.”...
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Fart Attack
1“Oh, my uncle’s texted me.” 2What does it say? 1“Hmm…’help a h fart attack.’” 2Must be Mexican night! 1“What a goof ball!”
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Review: Milagro Coffee
I had a latte on my trip to their cafe and remember enjoying it well enough. I also did a crossword puzzle outside of the cafe with my friend, while she drank her black coffee. The building itself looked like your typical Southwest building and the inside was nothing too spectacular. I think a lot of cool kids in Las Cruces might go there. They sell their own beans too, which turned out to be the...
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Apple Pie, Out of the Oven
“Uncle Carlos, Uncle Carlos,” the ruddy faced children yelled, running up to sit on his bouncing lap. “How are you doing, little Paquito,” Uncle Carlos asked, squeezing the little boy’s fat cheeks. Fat Paquito sighed, recounting a terrible dream he had had the night before and how it made him come to question existence, meaningfulness, and all of that stuff. Uncle...
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Nachos: The Poor Man's Style!
So open up your cupboards and a find a bag of popcorn. Alright, cool. Microwave that shit. Alright, you got a steaming pile of popped corn. So, put a lot of it in a bowl, but then like, I dunno, let’s say 5 cups worth on a plate. Lemme check this and while I do, here’s a ‘gredients list for you: A bag of popcorn. Any brand. Whatever. Some cheese. Jalapenos if you got them. I...
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Review: Milagro Coffee
I had a latte on my trip to their cafe and remember enjoying it well enough. I also did a crossword puzzle outside of the cafe with my friend, while she drank her black coffee. The building itself looked like your typical Southwest building and the inside was nothing too spectacular. I think a lot of cool kids in Las Cruces might go there. They sell their own beans too, which turned out to be the...
15 tags
Air Force falcon flies off, is found after... →
As the Air Force sideline looked on in horror, they saw their magical mascot fly out of the stadium. They all turned to each other, their quarterback saying what they all were feeling, “how are we supposed to win now?” The Bird Handler approached him and put his gloved hand on the quarterback’s bulging shoulder: “I have to tell you guys that there was never any real magic...
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A Little Christian Humor
“Did you ever think Job was sitting around, nursing his boils, and he was saying to himself, ‘I’m getting jobbed.’ And then some wiseacre son-of-a-bitch said, ‘I think you mean Jobed.’ And then he had a good laugh. Well, until he remembered all his kids.”
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“Bunch of slack-jawed faggots around here. This stuff will make you a god damned...”
– Jesse Ventura as Blaine, in Predator.
Off to see the family.
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“Bunch of slack-jawed faggots around here. This stuff will make you a god damned...”
– Jesse Ventura as Blaine, in Predator.
Off to see the family.
9 tags
Family Planning
“If it weren’t for CVS I wouldn’t even be alive today. Any other pharmacy would have sold my father condoms that worked.” “I’ve been lucky my whole life, I guess. If it weren’t for cutbacks at planned parenthood, I might have been aborted. As it were, they only had the resources to get my twin.”
New additions to my fake stand up routine.
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Morphine- Cure for Pain
I propose a toast to my...
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Wartime Miscommunications
“Holy shit, you killed our own dudes!” What! You said they was Russian! “Naw, dog, they was in a hurry.” Lol. My bad. “Hope the general finds it as funny.” Hope the wives do.
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Wartime Miscommunications
“Holy shit, you killed our own dudes!” What! You said they was Russian! “Naw, dog, they was in a hurry.” Lol. My bad. “Hope the general finds it as funny.” Hope the wives do.
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You Should Message Me If...
I’m a fairly adventurous person. I’ve been that way since I was little. I used to go exploring around my house and this one time I went into this tunnel that had this little stream running through. Inside it was dark, but I could still make out the bloated corpse. I don’t remember if it smelled, but I poked the body with this stick I was carrying around and all these spiders ran...
7 tags
You Should Message Me If...
I’m a fairly adventurous person. I’ve been that way since I was little. I used to go exploring around my house and this one time I went into this tunnel that had this little stream running through. Inside it was dark, but I could still make out the bloated corpse. I don’t remember if it smelled, but I poked the body with this stick I was carrying around and all these spiders ran...
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50/50
1: Oh my god, is that a puppy? 2: “And it’s with some hot Asian chick.” 1: Alright, I’ll take the puppy…
2: “The Asian chick is mine.” 1: That’s why we make a good team. 2: “50/50.”
… 1; Man, I can’t wait to fuck that puppy. 2: “And she looks so playful.”
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In Capitalist America, Money Makes You
So, I’m not Russian. Not even by heritage am I . But I think I got this Russian joke shit down. Here goes:
Ilich found Sergei laying next to a sleeping bear, his pants removed and his penis still hanging out. Ilich asked Sergei why he did not go home to fuck his wife. Sergei said, “I only had half a bottle of vodka, comrade!”
The next morning Ilich found Sergei laying in his...
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In Capitalist America, Money Makes You
Ilich found Sergei laying next to a sleeping bear, his pants removed and his penis still hanging out. Ilich asked Sergei why he did not go home to fuck his wife. Sergei said, “I only had half a bottle of vodka, comrade!”
The next morning Ilich found Sergei laying in his bed, his pants off and his penis hanging out. Ilich exclaimed, “you brought the bear home! your wife will kill...
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Of Mice and Men
CSII: i mean, while the cat is away
the mice should fuck
marls: HA
totally
i love when mice do that
CSII: then you should see my video library
"Of Mice and Men" is not what you think
marls: haha
CSII: or it is exactly what you think
-note- "Of Mice in Men" was later thought up and then thought on for way too long.
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Of Mice and Men
CSII: i mean, while the cat is away
the mice should fuck
marls: HA
totally
i love when mice do that
CSII: then you should see my video library
"Of Mice and Men" is not what you think
marls: haha
CSII: or it is exactly what you think
-note- "Of Mice in Men" was later thought up and then thought on for way too long.
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“And so I sit alone and drunk, chuckling to myself. I am a clown whose favorite...”
– Carlos Segundo, in The Lonely Clown
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“And so I sit alone and drunk, chuckling to myself. I am a clown whose favorite...”
– Carlos Segundo, in The Lonely Clown
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Is That a Typo?
Ash: my co-worker Ceradwen made me do it
CSII: what a weird name
is that a typo?
Ash: its Welsh
CSI: actually that is what I would have guessed
the entire Welsh language is a typo
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Is That a Typo?
Ash: my co-worker Ceradwen made me do it
CSII: what a weird name
is that a typo?
Ash: it's Welsh
CSII: actually that is what I would have guessed
the entire Welsh language is a typo
10 tags
The Poor Man's Hotdog
It’s 4 am, you’re hungry as fuck, and you can’t go to bed on an empty stomach- not after what happened to your best bro Travis (god rest his soul). But, you ain’t got shit in the cupboard and even less than that in the fridge. That is where I come in. I don’t care about class. I don’t care about right, about wrong, about anything. I am a fucking monster. What...
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Alongside Me
It was probably October that I was walking back from my coffee shop in the Short North after doing some school work. This car slowly rides alongside me and this guy pokes his head out and he asks me something and what, I don’t recall. He had a cut-off t-shirt so that his arms and shitty tattoos were showing so I just ignored him. Then as the decided to drive away he says, in his redneck way,...
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The Liquor Cabinet: The Orlando Bloom
The Orlando Bloom- Ingredients: Tequila A tallboy of Mike’s Harder Fruit Punch or Mango Punch
Take a shot of tequila and put into a plastic cup. Then take a Mike’s Harder Fruit Punch or Mango Punch and pour about half of the can into the cup. There you go! How did I come up with the name. Well, there is an undoubtedly feminine quality to this drunk that masks an underlying fierceness,...
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The Liquor Cabinet: The Orlando Bloom
The Orlando Bloom- Ingredients: Tequila A tallboy of Mike’s Harder Fruit Punch or Mango Punch
Take a shot of tequila and put into a plastic cup. Then take a Mike’s Harder Fruit Punch or Mango Punch and pour about half of the can into the cup. There you go! How did I come up with the name. Well, there is an undoubtedly feminine quality to this drink that masks an underlying fierceness,...
13 tags
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UDF, approx. 11:10 PM
Cashier: I remember you. Me: But this time I’m not drunk. Cashier: You were drunk? I couldn’t tell. Me: Yeah What I wanted to say: You couldn’t? I could. Cashier: You were quiet. You must be one of those calm drunks. Me: It works out better that way. What I wanted to say: It works out better that way. Especially when I get pulled over. Then I would have flashed my winning smile...
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Unimpressed
I see this little stub of an article about LeBron dropping a tripple-double in New York, like it was some message. Like we didn’t know he was some special talent. Like maybe we were unaware that his physical abilities were freakish. Like we didn’t see that game against the Pistons back in 07. We knew this. We saw it. We bore “witness.” The idea was that he was going to...
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How Many Billions
I wonder how miserable it must really be to run Facebook. You offer people this more or less awesome and free site and what do you get? Everyone opposes some slight change. And everyone adopts and loves the change a month into it. They make a movie about you, they publish private IMs. Jesus Christ, I know I have some IMs that would make Hitler unnerved. I guess what I want to know is this: how...
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“When you reach the event horizon, your body...
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If You Was My Girlfriend
I asked her, “why you a dick” she said, “well, I am what I eat” I said, “just so you know- a dick’s what I beat.”