December 2008
17 posts
The King's Guide To: Drinking
In less than 24 hours, a new year will begin. This is a cause for celebration, naturally, as it is a time to forget the indignities, the misfortunes, and regrets of the previous year. Now, being creatures of memory, we just can’t wish it away, nope, we cannot. To erase the failed past, we must obliterate it and we do this by obliterating ourselves, but not by putting the end of a shotgun...
The Little Fat
The chubby, bestubbled nerd typed furiously away, the pounding fingers raising little clouds of Cheeto dust with every keystroke. Laughing out loud, he said, “greatest plan ever!” Working up a sweat from such strenuous physical activity, he reached around his back to grab a 2 liter bottle of Mountain Dew when he saw that, much to his surprise, the roaches had already drank it all- a...
In Memoriam
Let me tell you about a man I loved dearly. A man I lost on this very day, Christmas, three years ago- my father, King Carlos I. A loving father, a beloved leader, in his youth he could smash the tyrant on a Monday and compose you a sonnet the following Tuesday. But as he grew older, my father’s once robust intellect began to diminish. He started to take things for no reason, weird things....
Internal Memorandum
A terrible error occurred in last week’s memo. I mistakenly typed “send them a message they won’t soon forget,” when what I intended to write was “massage.” Consequently, we are being investigated by the FBI as an organized crime syndicate, accused of murder and other various organized crime-related offenses. I applaud the enthusiasm of the interns who got the...
Napkin the Cat, Part IV: The Epilogue
At the Edge of My Lawn ‘twas a fawn I happened upon while mowing the back edge of my lawn if not asleep would it have gone, away from there- the back edge of my lawn? was I drunk? ‘twas the crack o’ dawn! so I mowed it down at the edge of my lawn
Napkin the Cat, Part III: The Interview
In December of 2008 I sat down with the author of “Napkin the Cat.” I discussed with him the underlying themes of the story and its overall meaning. Unfortunately, due to his surly temperament, the interview was cut short before I could ask him about the archetypes and symbolism he used. Interviewer: So, King, what does your story really mean? Carlos Segundo, King of Spain: Well, I...
Napkin the Cat, Part II
The human sat down, cursing the damned cat, holding gauze over his wound while the other ran to the store to buy alcohol- some for cleansing the wound, some for cleansing the mind. When the one returned with the medical aid, he opened the bottle and poured liberal amounts of the clear liquid into the deep, throbbing holes where Napkin’s teeth had erstwhile plunged. But a curious thing...
Napkin the Cat, Part I
Napkin the Cat nestled into the big, comfy couch and watched little Nori frolic about with a filthy toy fish. Two humans looked on, enjoying the spectacle of that little black and white cat batting it back and forth, and when batting it away, chasing it down and grabbing it with her two little paws. As one human turned to comment to the other, Napkin rose silently, deliberately, and as if he...
A Chemistry Presentation in Four Acts: Act 4
Det. Sockie returns to the lab Det. Sockie: You killed Bond! Dr. Goodsock: What are you talking about? Det. Sockie: You told us the water was only 73 C but when Bond went to turn over the body he died instantly which can only mean that the water was in fact 100 C. Dr. Goodsock: I’m positive we followed procedure to the “T.” Let’s go over our lab equipment to see if any errors occurred during the...
A Chemistry Presentation in Four Acts: Act 3
Return to crime scene. Socks get closer to body Det. Sockie: Well, you heard him, the water is not 100. Go ahead and turn him over. Det. Bond: Why don’t you do it? Det. Sockie: Because I told you to. Det. Bond: I don’t know if I trust them even though they’re scientists. What if they’re wrong? Det. Sockie: Fine. Am I supposed to make you do it? Det. Sockie pushes Bond onto the body. Bond...
A Chemistry Presentation in Four Acts: Act 2
Police Headquarters Det Sockie: We have some water samples that need testing Dr. Goodsock and Dr. Sockwin. Dr. Goodsock: Is it dangerous? Det. Sockie: We brought it here to find out. We need to know what the temperature of the water is to determine if a sock’s death was water-related. Dr. Goodsock: Dr. Sockwin, get the supplies! Dr. Sockwin: What do we need? Dr. Goodsock: A thermometer, styrofoam...
A Chemistry Presentation in Four Acts: Act 1
Background: When I was a fresman at college, this presentation was called “the best I’ve ever seen” by the TA in charge on the lab session. Narrator: The sock puppet world is a little different from our own. The soft exterior of the sock puppet absorbs 100 degree C very efficiently, killing it instantly. This is even more troubling considering that sock puppet scientists have...
sXe Poem
The crow crew thrice “snake eyes,” said dice you lost before the roll loaded dice from loaded bowl why’d ya got to do drugs? why’d ya got to do drugs?