February 2012
3 posts
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ESPN fires writer of offensive headline about... →
Just read some of the comments. Apparently there are people who don’t think the headline was intentional and clearly thought up days before Jeremy Lin lost his first game. The headline writer was just waiting for him to lose and have a bad game to trot out the headline, because he thought it’d be funny and clever, forgetting that casual racism might fly with your friends (unless your...
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January 2012
19 posts
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The Zoo Gets Koalas
“Yo, I heard we got Koalas now. So, I went out to the Plant Store and I got us all this Aloe, because I know that’s what Koalas eat. Haha, what, who you callin’ a Calyptus?”
mydayisrobots:
Interview with the Eastside...
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Nursery Rhyme-ish II
“Did you hear about that new sex club with sheep?” No… “It’s called Little Bo Peep Show.” Oh, that’s clever. You’re so clever! “Uh, what? You wanna go watch sheep fuck or what?”
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Nursery Rhyme-ish
So these sheep walk into this nudie joint and start looking around. The one sheep says, “I don’t see her anywhere!” Another sheep shakes his head and says, “I don’t get it. The sign said this was her show.”
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Easy Money
Noel: I just made $100
CSII: OOO
how?
Noel: Roulette of course
CSII: russian or...
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Who Peeps the Peepers?
I heard the girl was peaking so I went to do some peeking of my own. What I saw, it was truly piquing but what I heard was said in a terrible tone: “Peeping Tom, Peeping Tom,” the girl did scream out to her mom “Call the cops, sound an alarm” but I meant little harm “Where is the creep with the awful habit” but I had hopped away like a clever rabbit Now sitting...
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While at the Coffee Shoppe
I once wrote a poem- a very beautiful, poignant one- and then gave it to this supposed poet. I told him, “put that in your pipe and smoke it.” He proceeded to crumble up my poem and then put it into his pipe and then he, naturally, smoked it. He certainly showed me, but I must admit: writing a poem on a dried leaf of tobacco was not the best idea.
I then wrote a poem- a very...
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Nuts n' Puns
So, I tell my lady I don’t carry a wallet because I keep my money in my shoes. I tell her they are my “cashews.” She sighs and then I tell her to check in the pantry. So she does and she sees all these old fruit and vegetable cans filled with my urine* and before she can retch, I tell her, “see, all my “pee-cans.” As she runs from my apartment, nearly in tears,...
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I admit that it's true:
That half-black girl I have been eyeing, I finally wrote to. I told her that her that her profile is intimidating. She told me: “Your profile is quite intimidating too, you know. I like to consider myself ‘sort of funny’ and my wit froze when I read yours.” And the best part is that she is right. I’m not the guy to pull bullshit with, because I’ll see it and if...
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Opium Brides →
“Najibullah Quraishi journeys deep into the Afghan countryside to reveal the deadly bargain local farm families have been forced to make with drug smugglers in order to survive.”
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December 2011
20 posts
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The Things I Would Do
Sabalabadingdong: oh dear!
sorry this creepy guy keeps talking to me
CSII: tell him you're taken
by me
your Insurance Husband
and I would move mountains and exterminate races to keep my dental
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Carlos Segundo reads his poem,...
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Christmas Letter to My Friend, Ash
My Dearest Ash:
The move to the cupboard- as I am all certain you have heard of, thanks to a Ms. P and her gossipy geese; those “fowl” mouthed birds are gonna end up on my Christmas Dinner Table if they keep honking about what they ought not honk about, uhhhh, but I digress, I think- so, the cupboard, where I live now with Roberta Sr. and our (now, sadly) two children. Little Roberta...
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The Innate Rights of This "Human Being," Your...
“These workers are like Nike’s children- in fact, they are mostly children, your honor! How could you be so callous…so cruel to take children away from their de facto Mother?” Don’t these children have actual mothers, he said back. I removed my kippah and wrung it in my hands, sighing, telling His Honor, “with the Tsunami, you see…” He understood. ...
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EGDL Meets Her Long-dead Uncle
The Last Night on Earth for EGDL:
I lifted her skirt up to find yet another skirt. ‘A tough one to crack,’ I said to myself, ‘but surely worth it.’ So I lifted up the second skirt and to no surprise, there was yet another skirt. I laughed at this; however, 8 skirts in, I stopped laughing and started getting a little weirded out. But, I kept on, reminding myself that the...
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“Oh Lolita light of my knees.”
– My Story Generator’s take on Vladimir Nabokov’s Lolita.
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Wood or Water
I’ve been tweaking my Story Generator. For one, now it’s guaranteed to end with a period, so there’s that. Secondly, I’ve retooled the randomization process. It used to say, “We have XYZ and for Z, what is the list of words that have appeared immediately after Z and from that list, randomly choose one and then use that to determine the next n-gram to throw...
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The Help
“Oh, they threw a bone to the negro. I, myself, would have just thrown the bone away.” -20 second review of “The Help”
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His Horse, His Right-
He’ll Make the Horse His Wife.
The constitution don’t say nothing about bestiality. RON PAUL 012
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"Oh, the Unnameable! Oh, the Incomprehensible!"
Have we any H.P. Lovecraft fans out there? Of course we do- it is the internet! Using my superior N-gram Story Generator and the entire text of his Dagon, I have constructed for you this short story titled: “”Oh, the Unnameable! Oh, the incomprehensible!”“
other tones which Nature utters only in her wildest moods. When I had been given scant attention. Of any land which...
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The 6-gram Story
Jerry Sandusky Goes Meta
I built a N-gram story teller like my 7-gram, but this one has been pruned down to six words and what it does is it goes through the text and it looks at every word and the word immediately after it. It takes the first and makes that the entry in the dictionary and the word after one of its buddies. So you get something like DOG: JUMPS EATS SHOOTS PLAYS. Then what it does...
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Bothered
CSII: A podcast you say? Then it's perfect for my winter "pretend I am reading this garbage, but I am really listening to a podcast" list.
CSII: I've been hanging at the Union more the last few weeks. I really like it. I don't care if the next 100 classes at OSU have to pay for it. It's neat. It has cool chairs and shit.
Julez: i love the union
CSII: and just as I say that some guy petitioning to get on the ballot as a Libertarian candidate comes up to me and asks if I am registered to vote in Franklin County and gives me his card
See, I have a nice, gloriously red star on my right upper arm to signify my undying loyalty to the spirit of the magnificent soviet socialist republic, but I never have it out front and center.
today I learned my lesson.
Julez: lol damn libertarians
November 2011
8 posts
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My Own Cheers
I went on down to the pornography store “this is my Cheers,” I said, openin’ the door they yell: hey billy, hey mack, hey davey, hey james i’m where everybody knows my names
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The 7-gram Story
I chopped up something of mine into blocks of 7 words using a program I wrote and then randomized those blocks with said program and had them spit out a story. Here it is, my 7-gram story, titled: Leave It. Good luck with this! Very Joycean, right?
come across a boy who you could But the real issue is not you you can turn this relationship into more “and if he doesnt find it then”...
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With Me or at Me, As Long As It's Me, Me, Me
In the shower I thought up this great stand up routine: I have someone fabricate a synthetic gimp hand for me- like one of those malformed kind that look like, well, you know what they look like. And it has to be realistic. So, the whole time I do some regular jokes, but do a lot of jokes reference my disability- my gimp hand. The whole crowd will eat it up and we’ll be laughing it up ( I...
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Imagine It...Me: A Yalie!
Sabalabadingdong: aww but you make me laugh and you're ever so clever, and if i really start feeling motherly i would be happy to adopt you and it would be super easy to get into grad school at cornell or yale if you so desire since you'd be a legacy so being my kid gives you bonuses
CSII: I like this plan
I've always imagined myself a Yalie
on a yacht
peeing off the yacht
and then telling my rich friends, "it's cool. only poor people drink this water."
And Cornell wouldn't be bad either. Go Brown Bombers!
Sabalabadingdong: i don't know what a brown bomber is
but i imagine you're now poopng off a yacht
CSII: Well, like I said, only poor people drink that water. *opens a Perrier*
Sabalabadingdong: you'd fit right in!
that's settled then, you are now my son
CSII: Thank you.
So, uh, mom...can you send me some money?
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